So I spent the last weekend at the girlfriend’s family house and per usual I devoured a couple cow’s worth of medium rare and promptly fell into a meat coma, retiring around 10:30. Unfortunately for my sleep cycle I felt the effects of my indulgence at half one in the morning.  Jumping out of bed before I could shit myself I ran to her bathroom and threw myself on the toilet to the unpleasant feeling of my balls dipping in the toilet water like a pair of fried Twinkies.

Being half-asleep as I was it was impossible for me to realize that a standard American toilet isn’t designed for a male to have to cup his genitals in order to not dip them in the poop infested waters below. As I began to regain brain function, I decided I would flush before I wiped in order to ensure that everything went down safely…unfortunately it did not.

As I peered down the thrown, I was greeted with the horrible realization that not only was the poop monster not going to go down properly it was coming up and nothing was stopping it. As it rose, I leaped off the Johnny resulting in a little piece of chocolate that fell onto the floor.  As I stared in shock at what I had done, the water began to flow over the sides like Niagara Falls. Shaking off my shock I began to fly around the house looking for the plunger to save my life and my ego. Of course there were no plungers in a four bathroom radius so i had to begin bailing the horrible smelling poop out of the toilet and into a separate toilet across the hall.

Moral of the story: Always check before you let the floodgates open